How to Navigate Family Photos with Tension.
I always encourage my clients to recognize the absurdity of weddings. Imagine you are a tiny green alien and you are horribly lost. You need directions. Mar’s looks scary but there is another planet pretty close by that has lots of blue and white and looks more welcoming. You choose that one. If you happened to land anywhere on our planet in 2020 you would have probably thought we were in the midst of self destruction or an apocalypse of Biblical proportions. But you happen to land in the middle of a wedding in 2018, luck you. No raging forrest fires, mass protest, government upheaval, or polar vortex trying to kill Texas for you! As you approach this wedding you will find a man and woman who have gathered everyone they know and love, and put them into this structure that used to house cattle but is now used for very formal events. Odd but you can understand the general idea. The woman will be in a white ball gown that has a long train which drags on the floor, which seems strange because she really wants to to keep it clean. Which also means avoiding the barbecue she is serving her guests. Even stranger, she was just in the middle of a field taking photographs in shoes that have a heel on them which caused her to trip multiple times. Later, after the man and woman have provided alcohol for everyone they know and love, they will hand their drunk friends sticks of fire, have them stand very close to one another, and run in between like a gauntlet. Upon seeing the last ritual you, as a tiny green alien, would turn on your heel, wish us all the luck in the world, and leave our planet as fast as you can wondering how we managed to make it as long as we did.
Weddings are strange. There is no better way to put it. You are probably not well versed in planning a formal event, with alcohol, entertainment, and catered meals for everyone you know and love. I totally get it. So let’s talk about one thing that no one probably has an experience with.
Navigating family formal photos when there is tension among family members.
Hey it happens. Uncle Jeff ran off with his secretary and your aunt Jolene burned his tractor on the front lawn after shredding all of his dress shirts and now they don’t want to stand together for pictures. Under no circumstances would you ever want family members who don’t like one another in photos, but your wedding day isn’t a normal circumstance. Here are some tips that I would use to navigate family photos under stress to make them less stressful.
1.) Shot list shot list shot list.
In situations where there is tension you always want to be over organized. Preparing a shot list before hand is one of the best ways to navigate difficult dynamics and make sure that this portion of your day is streamlined. On your shot list make sure that you are putting every photo combination that you want, don’t leave anything open ended. If you say, “Everyone from the Smith side of the family,” your photographer might just call out for the Smith’s and then we have this awkward moment where we need to define right then and there who is apart of what family. Sit down with your partner before your wedding and really talk about the combinations of photos you want and have them listed, with the names of the individuals in those photos, in an order that makes sense. If the individuals are able to be in the same room, but not in the same photo, make sure they are at opposite ends of that family’s photos.
2.) Divorced parents
It might be time for a discussion with mom and dad if you are worried about the order and posing during family photos. The last thing we want to do is make any pre-existing family tensions worse, but realize that your parents at the end of the day love you and will more than likely be an ally in figuring out this situation. You might need to ask them what combinations of photos are important to them and in what order do you want posing, because believe it or not some parents can be very angry if they are not pictured right next to the couple. My easiest way to structure these shots are
a.) Split up disagreeing parties into seperate photos
b.) If we really want one photo with both of them in it, we seperate them on either side of the couple.
c.) We take two photos of the same group of people but flip flop who stands next to the couple. If you anticipate that this will need to be done for your family make sure its reflected in the shot list and how it is listed.
3.) Sometimes less is more.
My number 1 priority is always to make sure that my clients are having a stress free time during family formals, be thinking about groups of photos rather than a slew of individuals. Of course we want individuals with the most important people, but think about ways that you can combine certain groups so that there are less photos in general. Meaning a little less time for friction to occur.
4.) Seperate times
Think about separating family photos up in a way that keeps tempers low. If you have family members that are absolutely going to cause you stress then maybe have one family member show up early so that their photos can be eliminated before hand and then the rest after! This should be reflected in your shot list as well because like I said we love a good prepared day.
5.) Designated driver
Think about having someone who knows the situation already help handle the dynamics. Think about a bridesmaid that has been there with you through it all or a distant family member. Someone who will notice your aunt Jolene needing a beer and a breath of fresh air and can take her to do so. Remember the name of the game is stress free and prepare, so prepare someone to help you be stress free.
6.) Tell your photographer I REPEAT TELL YOUR PHOTOGRAPHER
The last person who should be in the dark is your photographer. We spend the most time with your family throughout the day and we need to know about situations that could cause you stress so we can help prevent them. Let us know the light background on family situations so we don’t ask your divorced parents to pose for a picture together thinking you will be super happy with the photo only to find out later that they are going through a nasty break up.
7.) Remember that no one is entitled to you
Don’t forget that this is YOUR wedding and we will only be doing the things that make the couple happy. No one is entitled to a photo, so let’s say Aunt Jolene just got back from Jamaica (her post divorce Eat Pray Love Moment) where she missed your birthday, the family Christmas, and just in general stirred up a lot of shit. SHE ISN’T ENTITLED TO A PHOTO IF IT DOES NOT ADD TO YOUR LIFE OR HAPPINESS. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.
Overall remember that most families, no matter the history, are there to celebrate the couple. Most family squabbles are put to bed, if just for the day, so that everyone can enjoy the wedding. On the off handed chance you have individuals that don’t assign to that particular belief, let’s over-plan strategically so we can get the photos done quickly without causing any problems.
Keep your head up and have a drink.
Mer.
These families are not examples of the situations mentioned above, they are just some of my favorite family photos I have taken and I wanted to show them off :)